I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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