is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
