just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
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I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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