so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
