At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
