I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
