remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
