Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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