I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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