I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.