Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
