instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
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I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
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Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.