dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet