i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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