My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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