First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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