Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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