So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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