Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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