the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
