It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
