Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
