ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
