I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
