Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
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you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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