Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
