giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
