I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
