3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
