I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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