Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
