I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you had me at cake vodka
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
