hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had sex on a roof
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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