My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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