How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
