I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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