We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
