dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
