put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
