Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
