Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
