So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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