meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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