I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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