afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Found the puke drawer
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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