i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
