I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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