i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
