im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
