why didn't you poke me back
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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