happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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