Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
