I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's like a pop up book from hell.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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