Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
being pregnant is like rehab
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
