I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
