my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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