I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
