We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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