i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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