I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
