i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
