Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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