Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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